Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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