Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
