Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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