i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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