Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
