My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
