are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
