Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
