Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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