Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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