I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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