They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
