In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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