Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need moral support for this bender
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
