I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
