I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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