apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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