3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
