Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
