I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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