My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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