a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
