The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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