He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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