I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
