Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
