that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
