M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?