I think I died a long time ago.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter