I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
