i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
its liver damage thursday
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
