Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
