Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's just like the Real World with babies
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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