I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
