Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
