and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She's the barista slut.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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