i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
