DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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