I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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