You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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