i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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