and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
