last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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