I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
