before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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