how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
