There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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