nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
