shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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