I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
