so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
