Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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