Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
