you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
