It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
