I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
