I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
even my farts smell like vagina
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
