if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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