All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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